9 years

9 years ago today...
I was 9 mos. pregnant with Evan who was 22 days away from making his entrance into the world.
Chasity was 3 days away from making her 3 mos. early entrance into the world.
Aidan was a 17 mos. old thumb-sucking, sleep maniac (seriously, the sweet baby slept about 20 hours a day until he was way past two!).
Brennan was a Raffi-loving, faux-guitar-wielding three year old with bright blue eyes and a sweet blonde bowl cut.
I was 28 years old, happily married and relishing in the fun weekend that I'd just spent with My Prince in New York City on a trip with my sister, Elizabeth and new brother in law, Jon.
Life was sweet. Really. Really. Sweet.
Then the world changed.
While Brennan and I watched Barney, Aidan slept and I folded a load of laundry, Evan kicking in peacefully in my belly. Terror was ensuing. America was being attacked.
The phone rang. My friend Lydia called and said, "Are you watching tv? Something crazy just happened. Turn the channel."
I did.
I turned in time to see replays of the first plane's hit on the tower. Newscasters trying to explain the unexplainable. Grasping at anything that might make this all make sense? Maybe the pilot was confused? His instruments were misguided?
Then the second plane hit as I sat and watched in disbelief.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
The next two hours were just nuts. Mayhem around the world ensued. The Pentagon was hit by another plane. The fourth plane downed in a field in Pennsylvania. Utter shock that this was happening just a few states away in my country.
I was glued to the tv.
I had just been in the towers over the previous weekend. Just two days before I stood there. In the mall. On the terrace garden between the two towers listening to a jazz musician. Standing in line at the TKTS booth. Going up and down the escalator. Shopping in the mall below the towers. Riding the subway from the Tower station.
My principal called me from school. "We're on lockdown. Please don't try to come in. We don't want you here. We need you to stay where you are and not have a baby at school on lockdown, ok?" I was relieved. I really didn't want to go put on a brave face in front of 19 second graders and pretend that all was right with the world, that nothing had changed.
My mom called. "Please come and stay with us. You are so close to the airforce base. Please bring the boys and just stay here." I called my Prince. He agreed that I should go. I made him take us. I didn't want to be without him either.
We were all more clingy that day than we'd ever been. Hugs were more widely available. Emotions raw. Tears present.
The feelings of doom.
Might this be the end of the world as we know it? What am I doing having another baby NOW? Uncertainty.
What now? What's next? How do we go on living life as usual?
The awe of the situation.
The stories of the survivors. The heroes. The rescue workers. The firemen. The amazing rescues.
The hope.
Good will overcome this evil. From the ashes a feeling of hope and unison. We're all in this together. God is at the helm. Patriotism. Red-White-Blue. Prayer. God. Everyone talking about their feelings and their fears.

Today, 9 years later.
I am still deeply affected by the events of that day. I remember.
Tonight at dinner we talked about our memories of the day with the kids. I choked up with tears as I recalled the phone call during Barney. As I looked at my now 12 year old, remembering him that day.
How he played with his block towers and rammed airplanes into them, knocking them down, months later, and I wondered if he'd understood what had happened or was I just reading into his play? Did he have memories of that?
The conversation continued after dinner. Questions. Trying to put it together. They're old enough now to want to understand. Shawn pulled out the coffee table book that we have about 9/11. The kids looked at the pictures. We were available to them. They asked questions. I looked online for a video to show them--it's too hard to explain. I found a documentary on Youtube, Inside Zero Hour of the minute by minute happenings of that horrible day and we watched with the kids. All crammed around my laptop, We sat glued again. I realized that I'd been waiting for this time for 9 years. I wanted to share this with them when they were ready. I wanted them to see the video footage. I wanted them to understand WHY this day matters so much. I want them to remember that this life that we enjoy today is not without a huge cost. Not without sacrifice. And that heroes DO exist.
I'm hopeful that now they will remember too.